Coercive Control: The Blind Spot Around An Invisible Abuse—and How It Harms Women and Children

Exposing how the hidden, often misunderstood dynamics of coercive control leave women and children unprotected, unheard, and unable to break free.

Personal Experience: The Impact of Coercive Control

My understanding of coercive control runs deep, shaped by the dynamics I witnessed and endured throughout my life. As a child, this form of psychological abuse was a constant presence in my home, though I did not have the language to describe it at the time. Instead, I was made to believe that I had personal issues and that I was responsible for the problems within my family.

The psychological abuse I encountered during my upbringing left a profound and lasting impact on my sense of self and my relationships. It wasn't until I faced similar patterns of coercive control in an intimate relationship as an adult that I began to recognize the familiar feelings and question their origin. This realization led me to research and learn more about the abuse I had experienced, ultimately helping me seek out the support I needed to begin healing and overcoming its effects.

Understanding Coercive Control: The Hidden Harm

Coercive control is a form of abuse that often goes unrecognized, yet its effects can be deeply damaging to women and children. Despite increasing awareness, many legal professionals and advocates still struggle to identify and respond to the subtle nuances of this insidious behaviour. The lack of understanding around coercive control continues to keep victims trapped, unable to articulate or prove the harm they are experiencing.

Defining Coercive Control

Coercive control is a form of abuse defined as a pattern of behaviour used to dominate, manipulate, and undermine another person’s autonomy and sense of self. Unlike physical violence, coercive control is often subtle and psychological, involving tactics such as isolation, intimidation, manipulation, and micromanagement. The goal is to make the victim dependent, fearful, or compliant, frequently without obvious signs of abuse.

The Challenge of Articulating Coercive Control in Legal Settings

When coercive control is characterized by subtle and psychological tactics, it becomes incredibly difficult for victims to identify, let alone explain, the abuse they are experiencing—especially in a court of law. The very nature of this abuse means that the evidence is often invisible, resting in unspoken signals, patterns, and emotional manipulation rather than overt acts of violence. Victims may doubt themselves, wondering how to convey to a judge that they are being controlled and harmed in ways that cannot be easily documented or seen.

The Subtlety of Nonverbal Cues

Consider the experience of receiving a look from a spouse—a look that signals disapproval without a word being spoken. To outsiders, such as friends or family, this may seem insignificant. When victims describe these moments, they are often told, "You might be reading into it," or, "Maybe his reaction is just in your head; you’re being too sensitive." However, for the person living in the relationship, that silent look carries an implicit warning: "You will pay for this when we get home." Describing the threat behind such a look to a judge or legal professional is a daunting task, as its danger lies precisely in its subtlety and the shared, unspoken understanding between victim and abuser.

A Real-Life Example: Manipulation and Misunderstanding

One woman’s story highlights the complexity victims face in proving coercive control. Whenever she disagreed with her partner, he would abruptly take their infant child—sometimes removing the baby from the crib while sleeping—and leave for extended periods. As a breastfeeding mother, her child was dependent on her, yet her partner ignored her calls and, on one occasion, left with the child during winter when the baby had a fever. These actions were not just acts of control but punishments designed to assert dominance and instill fear.

Reaching her limit, the woman called the police. When her partner returned, he explained to the officers that he was simply giving her a break so she could rest, citing her postpartum exhaustion. The authorities believed his account and advised her to get some rest. From this experience, she learned that disagreeing would lead to punishment, reinforcing the coercive dynamic.

The Legal System’s Limitations

A year later, this woman retained a reputable lawyer for a custody dispute. The lawyer understood her predicament and listened to her concerns. However, she soon discovered that the family court system was ill-equipped to recognize or prove coercive control. The lack of tangible evidence meant the court could not substantiate her claims, especially when her partner’s lawyer portrayed him as a caring husband trying to help his wife. The narrative shifted, and she found herself cast as the unreasonable party, while her abuser was painted as the victim. This case exemplifies the difficulty victims face in holding abusers accountable when the abuse is subtle, psychological, and expertly masked.

Supporting Victims: Overcoming Barriers and Documenting Coercive Control

Women who experience coercive control often find themselves emotionally and financially depleted. This exhaustion, combined with limited resources, can make it extremely difficult to continue pursuing legal action, especially as the financial burden of hiring a lawyer mounts. Many victims face the heartbreaking reality of returning to their abuser out of fear—fear of losing custody, having to share custody, or being forced to leave their children with someone who will perpetuate abusive behaviours even after separation. Unfortunately, the abuse frequently intensifies post-separation, with abusers continuing to use the children as a means to control and manipulate their former partner.

Helping Clients Identify and Document Patterns

To effectively support clients who are navigating these challenges, it is essential to help them recognize and document the abusive patterns they are experiencing. Documentation plays a crucial role in presenting a clear case in family court, where proving subtle psychological abuse can be particularly challenging. By guiding women to observe and record their experiences, advocates and professionals can help build a stronger foundation for accountability and protection.

Empowering Victims Through Validation and Listening

Offering support begins with listening and validating what women share about their experiences and feelings. When friends, advocates, and community members take the time to understand and acknowledge these stories, it empowers victims and fosters a sense of solidarity. Encouraging victims to teach others about their experiences not only strengthens their voice but also expands collective understanding of coercive control.

Starting the Process: Documentation and Journaling

Helping victims document or journal their feelings and experiences is a vital first step in uncovering the patterns of abuse. Through consistent and detailed records, these patterns—unique to each abuser—begin to emerge, providing both clarity and evidence. Recognizing that abuse always follows a pattern enables victims and their supporters to approach the situation with greater insight and preparedness, ultimately strengthening the case for accountability and protection in legal settings.

Conclusion: Empowerment Through Awareness and Action

Recognizing and responding to coercive control requires vigilance, education, and collective support. Personal experiences like mine and those of others demonstrate how abuse can remain hidden and how documentation, validation, and professional guidance can make a difference. By listening, supporting, and helping victims document their experiences, legal professionals, advocates, and communities can empower individuals to break free and hold abusers accountable. If you or someone you know is experiencing coercive control, reach out to trusted professionals and support organizations. Together, we can foster awareness, ensure safety, and help victims move toward justice and healing.